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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 137
The Mafia Gazette Issue 137 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Thursday 17th May Editorial: Regarding recent allegations from the Dark Times. The Gazette would like to assure all it's readers that we had nothing to do with the tampering of the Dark Time's printers earlier this week and would not stoop to such levels. We also have a large amount of evidence that they had something to do with our black ink being switched to red while we were printing Tuesdays issue, although we cannot yet confirm this. 'MAYOR MISSING, PRESUMED DEAD ' by Gazette Reporter It has come to the attention of the Gazette that our beloved mayor has been missing for the last few months, he has not been seen since before the transport strikes. It was rumoured that he had taken the money from the transport funds and had left the country to take himself a vacation. Now, two months later the trains are back up and running, but still no sign of when our Mayor will return. We went down to the mayor's office to ask his associates where he might be, they refused to comment on the situation only telling us, 'Sorry, the Mayor's office is currently closed. Please come back another time.' Before having security promptly escorting our reporters from the building. We spoke to the local authorities, who told us that the Mayor is now considered to be a missing person. They believe he is either dead or has left the country. So where is the Mayor? We will keep you up to date on this story as it unfolds. 'NEW GROUP ON THE STREET: G.I.M.P's ' by Totally Guitarded Over the last couple of months we have seen the rise of the G.A.Y Men's association and their spreading through the community. On the 17th of May however we saw the announcement of another upcoming group, the G.I.M.P's or Grumpy Institute of Miserable Pensioners. This group was started by Angel's With Dirty Faces boss, Jack Carter, who earlier this month celebrated his birthday. He came to make his announcement just before 3pm and explains he came up with the idea over a chat with Father Time at his birthday bash and they decided to come up with somewhere where the more 'mature' members of the community could sit and reminisce about the good old days and share memories of back when they were young. He then gestured to the large new building behind him which was to become the new home of the G.I.M.P's. He told the crowd if they wished to join the G.I.M.P's then all they had to do was simply submit their details into the box he placed in front of the building, he would then decide if they were right for the group or not. He reminded the onlookers that there would of course be an age limit on the group and that only Mafioso over a certain age would be allowed to join but refused to disclose the cut off age saying that it would hamper the selection process if he did. The only three people with guaranteed membership are of course Jack Carter himself, Father Time and Jim Garrison so all you other older ladies and gentlemen who wish to be a G.I.M.P get down there and get your application in to join the rest of the oldies. 'DISCIPLINE: CHICAGO STYLE ' By Grave Digger They say that there are only a few certain things in life. Don't play cards with a man who shares a first name with a city. Don't bring a dog along to a fishing trip with sticks of dynamite. Don't volunteer for anything. To this list this morning, the citizens of America were forced to add another life truth. Don't break the rules in the Windy city. Often an unclaimed territory due to its proximity with New York and sheer wild nature of some of its inhabitants, Chicago has seen a period of stability this last while. The Meggio Mob, run by Chicago Mobster Portia, has seen fit to lay down the rules as far as the city goes. Only those with vast contacts in the Underworld know of the criminal nature that lies behind the Lottery, the three piece suits and the Sicilian grocery stores. The rest of the world was given a glimpse of the organised crime that lies behind this glamorous world however, when Meggio Mob associate and boxing promoter Richard was found shot to death alongside another man in a park in central New York, the victim of an apparent gangland execution. Richard, who goes by no other known aliases, was killed by a gunshot wound to the head at around 1pm. The other man, Brian Altobelli, believed to be an enforcer and bodyguard to Richard, was also fatally wounded at the scene by a single shot. The murders brought to an end a spate of shootings earlier in the day that claimed the lives of four bodyguards in Chicago, all also believed to have worked for Meggio Mob Earner Richard. Although unconfirmed at this stage, the killer was rumoured to be Meggio Mob Under boss Aldo_DePalma, the murders having come in relation to a dispute Richard had with Meggio Mob Earner Selorroa_Lorpio earlier in the morning. With the Church burying six more people in the coming days, including famed Bodyguard Gary Kilbane, one thing remains abundantly clear. Crime doesn't pay. In fact, sometimes it hurts like a bullet to the head. 'VEGAS ROUGUE KILLED AFTER SHOOT-OUT ' By Grave Digger Had those in Chicago been paying attention to the headlines in Vegas over the last three days, perhaps they might have seen fit to settle their differences over a tall glass of red wine and some Italian bread rather than a gun and several bullets. The facts as known in the Vegas situation are multiple and incredibly violent. What is known is that Criminal Under Ninja Training Wise Guy Genji was shot dead in a deadly game that went horribly wrong by low ranking Vegas gangster E_E_M. In an attempt to mug the gangster in what was believed to be a game, Genji was fatally wounded by a round from E_E_M's gun. Whatever the facts of the fatal wound, retribution was swift as Vegas Criminal Under Ninja Training Under boss DiamondZadie shot and killed E_E_M in broad daylight in the reception of one of the cities many Casinos. This was apparently too much for Vegas Wise Guy and subordinate Phoenix, who fired a number of shots at his boss, who in turn skipped on a train to Chicago. While gone, Phoenix was believed engaged by some associates of the Priesthood, notably Mr Smoke and Victor Afenasenkov, as well as Diamond Zadie herself, who returned from Chicago after meeting with an unknown associate. In a shoot-out on the streets of early evening Las Vegas, Phoenix shot dead one of this attackers, Street Boss Mousellini, before being fatally wounded himself at the scene, bringing to an end the brief but bloody saga of revenge. Criminal's Under Ninja Training Boss Mr Valentine has been overheard to publicly express his disappointment at the situation, while talk of revenge remains in the air on the part of the family of the dead Wise Guy, potentially leaving this one open to a second round. What actually flipped Wise Guy Phoenix over the edge also remains unknown, though it is clear that his conduct was beyond forgivable as far as Vegas was concerned and rumours abound that he had been used up his last chance with the Vegas Family, who believed him to be mentally unstable. Whatever the circumstances of the situation, Phoenix was deemed surplus to requirements in Las Vegas and was buried on the early evening of May 14th. 'LOTTERY RESULTS ' by Totally Guitarded Wednesdays lottery numbers are: 9, 20, 22, 24, 27, 28 There were 70 players in Wednesday's lottery... And there were 4 winners each walking away with 2.5mil. Bailey and Victor Afenasenkov were two of this Wednesday’s lucky winners. Keep entries coming in for this Saturdays draw. A big thanks to Draw Master Portia for organising numbers and payouts. 'ASK KING TIE ' by King Tie We have recently had the one and only King Tie join our team here at the Gazette and he has agreed to do a column for us. So we are giving you the opportunity to ask King Tie anything. Have a problem with no answers? Ask King Tie. Something you've always wanted to know? Ask King Tie. Simply mail all questions directly to TieDomiII and keep an eye on the next issue of the Gazette for your answer. From Tea Jenny - Following the group G.A.Y Men's association, have you ever considered changing your name to queen tie and announcing yourself queen of the GAY's? That's a good question Tea. I've thought of it on more than one occasion, but each time I've decided against it. They already have their Queen Tarby, and I don't want to take that little bit of happiness he has. Besides...they're a little TOO G.A.Y. even for me. They've all, already tried sleeping with me on more than one occasion. From Dark-side: Have you ever betrayed a friend? Never. JUST BECAUSE I'M DOING A SPOT IN ANOTHER PAPER DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M BETRAYING YOU! You can share me! There's plenty of my greatness to go around...just look at the Streets. From The Prophet: Do the Streets eagerly await my arrival? I'd like to say yes to that but they seemed to have stopped paying attention...worry not though, I will MAKE them pay attention... From Bob From Kansas: Yea hey this is Bob here down in Kansas, I was just wonderin' do you got a converter for 35' Chevy, I been lookin' all over and dawgonitt I just can't find one! Bob From Kansas...Don't ever send me a question again...ever... From Random Girl From Texas: Oh wonderful King Tie I know am cute, but is it true that YOU are in fact the cutest EVER? Yes Li...I mean Random Girl From Texas, it's completely true that I am the cutest ever. I'd tell you to strive to be as cute as be, but it'd be pointless as you'd never get there. From Random Family Head: Is it true that you're the greatest Left Hand Man a girl...I mean person could ever ask for? Yes it is true Random Family Head. The sexiest too. From Random Street-Goer: Tie...why is it that every time you show up in Jail, you start singing "WEEEE WOOOO"? Because it annoys you, and when you're annoyed I'M amused. 'OBITUARIES ' by Totally Guitarded Instinct - Goomba - May 17th, 1:55PM Shorty: Damn shame, not the first time I've heard it to happen that way... RIP sweet one.. *Lays white roses* Vinny_Ricci: geez I am tired of coming to these things! RIP Man! SixthSense: :( Rest In Peace This is senseless too say the least Angry_little_Sossa - Goomba - May 17th, 2:16PM GlowyBaby: OMG wack backed by a fairy RIP Vista_Ninja: no no no how can this be real R.I.P my friend mm me on your return Cherry: Awww my friend this makes me sad. RIP 8Sweetie8: Such a tragedy, RIP 'CLASSIFIEDS ' by Totally Guitarded Have a business? Horses? Anything you want advertised? The Gazette will advertise it here, absolutely FREE! Just drop Totally_Guitarded a mail with the details. The Gazette is back and looking for writers once more. If you have a flare for writing and wish to apply, either part time or full time.. drop by the head office in Chicago or simply submit articles Totally_Guitarded. Good rates of pay! 19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:37, February 17, 2013 (UTC) $The Bank of Garrison$ Weapon storage Cash Storage Mail Jim-Garrison for details